GO HOME! Don't come to the gym when you're covered head to toe in disgusting flu germs and are hacking your lungs out on the elliptical. The gym is a safe haven for healthy people TRYING TO STAY HEALTHY. By coughing out your lungs every 2 minutes (and NOT COVERING YOUR MOUTH while doing so), you are kindly endangering the health (and lives) of the 100 or so other people sharing the same sweaty, not-very-well-ventilated room as you.
It truly baffles me as to what you were thinking earlier on in the day. "Hmm...I can barely breathe without coughing or sneezing, I look like complete shit, and I see fit to wear A SCARF TO THE FUCKING GYM, but I really want to get a good workout in today?" WTF asshole?!! First sign that you don't belong in the gym today: wearing a woolen scarf to the gym in June in Southern California. OR wearing a scarf to the gym in general, anywhere! GO HOME!
Thanks to your incredible thoughtfulness, I can feel the same disgusting sickness that has clearly debilitated your mental faculties crawling up through my lungs and into my throat. Apparently the packets of disgustingly fizzy Vitamin C I was willing to trade an arm or a kidney for made no difference to my immune system, who decided to waive the white flag and surrender moments into being accosted by your nasty germ-soldiers.
If and when I see you at the gym tomorrow, I'm going to cough in your face and smear my germs all over your sad little scarf. OH WAIT...I don't go to the gym when I'm sick because I would rather embrace all my fat cells than endanger the lives of hundreds of innocent bystanders. But you better watch your back next week. I do have a reputation for attempting to lift and then "accidentally" drop heavy weights on people that annoy me. Oops..
Sincerely yours,
Your No-Longer-Healthy Elliptical Neighbor
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